The Literal Truth

I've always enjoyed thinking of how odd sentences sound when you take things that are said literally. I hope you enjoy this modest tale that I wrote in 20 minutes this morning...

Paul ran up from the basement at the sound of the phone. He had been busy moving boxes and hadn't been able to hear anything upstairs for a time. His fear was that the phone had been ringing off the hook. Sure enough, the receiver was lying on the floor, still ringing. He stooped down and picked it up.
It was his good friend Rachel. "Help, Paul! Philo is going bananas! He's throwing them all over the house. What can I do? I was supposed to make banana bread!"
Paul was worried. Philo was Rachel's husband and a close personal friend. It sounded serious. Rachel's banana bread was to die for.
"Will he take Artichokes or Brussel sprouts and throw them around the house? Something not as important as bananas?"
Rachel half sobbed on the other end. "Paul! We're Americans! We don't have that kind of food in the house! We have Spam, hamburger meat, and apples, lots of Chinese takeout boxes."
Paul nodded grimly. "Good point. But I have a plan. Sit tight until I get there."
Rachel was glad she was speaking on her cell phone. "OK. I'm getting into my smallest chair. But I'm having to cram pillows around me to get it as tight as possible."
"That's fine," Paul said absently, thankful he hadn't suggested that she hang tight instead. "I'll be there soon," he said hanging up the phone. That didn't work very well, since the receiver was above the base of the phone, so he instead tried hanging it down, which worked much better.
Paul grabbed his secret weapon and put it into a bag. Rachel and Philo lived just down the street, so he decided to walk. He ran outside, only to be dismayed that it was raining cats and dogs. He was momentarily stunned after being hit in the temple by a Chihuahua hurtling through the air. Thankful it hadn't been a Great Dane, he slipped back into the house.
Due to the poor weather conditions, he decided to drive there instead. He got into his all-wheel drive SUV, and thankful once again that he made sure his model only had one steering wheel (he supposed some all-wheel drive cars made you have to drive with several steering wheel at the same time - why else be called all-wheel?) he drove out of his garage into the horrible weather. It was still pouring. The small cats were bouncing off the car without leaving a mark, but he had to drive carefully to avoid the larger dogs that were raining. It was really coming down.
He made it safely to his friends' house and rushed inside with his bag. He was quite chalant about it. Inside Rachel was not only not non-plussed at what was happening with her husband, she was plussed.
"Here!" Paul said, handing her the bag. "It looks like you still have a few bananas left for bread. For God's sake hurry and give this to him!"
Rachel threw the contents of the bag at Philo. Astonished at the Plantains that he was now covered with, he apparently decided they were close enough to bananas, and began to go plantains instead. Rachel and Paul quickly collected the remaining bananas that were still usable and Rachel began making bread. The smell of it cooking seemed to snap Philo out of his spell. By the time the bread was done, everything was back to normal; all of the bananas pieces had been picked up, and most of it was out of the curtains.
As they sat down to eat the bread, Rachel and Philo insisted that Paul have an extra piece for saving the day.
The End



Raining cats and dogs
going bananas