I've always enjoyed thinking of how odd sentences sound when you take things that are said literally. I hope you enjoy this modest tale that I wrote in 20 minutes this morning...
Paul ran up from the basement at the sound of the phone. He had been busy moving boxes and hadn't been able to hear anything upstairs for a time. His fear was that the phone had been ringing off the hook. Sure enough, the receiver was lying on the floor, still ringing. He stooped down and picked it up.
It was his good friend Rachel. "Help, Paul! Philo is going bananas! He's throwing them all over the house. What can I do? I was supposed to make banana bread!"
Paul was worried. Philo was Rachel's husband and a close personal friend. It sounded serious. Rachel's banana bread was to die for.
"Will he take Artichokes or Brussel sprouts and throw them around the house? Something not as important as bananas?"
Rachel half sobbed on the other end. "Paul! We're Americans! We don't have that kind of food in the house! We have Spam, hamburger meat, and apples, lots of Chinese takeout boxes."
Paul nodded grimly. "Good point. But I have a plan. Sit tight until I get there."
Rachel was glad she was speaking on her cell phone. "OK. I'm getting into my smallest chair. But I'm having to cram pillows around me to get it as tight as possible."
"That's fine," Paul said absently, thankful he hadn't suggested that she hang tight instead. "I'll be there soon," he said hanging up the phone. That didn't work very well, since the receiver was above the base of the phone, so he instead tried hanging it down, which worked much better.
Paul grabbed his secret weapon and put it into a bag. Rachel and Philo lived just down the street, so he decided to walk. He ran outside, only to be dismayed that it was raining cats and dogs. He was momentarily stunned after being hit in the temple by a Chihuahua hurtling through the air. Thankful it hadn't been a Great Dane, he slipped back into the house.
Due to the poor weather conditions, he decided to drive there instead. He got into his all-wheel drive SUV, and thankful once again that he made sure his model only had one steering wheel (he supposed some all-wheel drive cars made you have to drive with several steering wheel at the same time - why else be called all-wheel?) he drove out of his garage into the horrible weather. It was still pouring. The small cats were bouncing off the car without leaving a mark, but he had to drive carefully to avoid the larger dogs that were raining. It was really coming down.
He made it safely to his friends' house and rushed inside with his bag. He was quite chalant about it. Inside Rachel was not only not non-plussed at what was happening with her husband, she was plussed.
"Here!" Paul said, handing her the bag. "It looks like you still have a few bananas left for bread. For God's sake hurry and give this to him!"
Rachel threw the contents of the bag at Philo. Astonished at the Plantains that he was now covered with, he apparently decided they were close enough to bananas, and began to go plantains instead. Rachel and Paul quickly collected the remaining bananas that were still usable and Rachel began making bread. The smell of it cooking seemed to snap Philo out of his spell. By the time the bread was done, everything was back to normal; all of the bananas pieces had been picked up, and most of it was out of the curtains.
As they sat down to eat the bread, Rachel and Philo insisted that Paul have an extra piece for saving the day.
The End
Raining cats and dogs
going bananas
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Kames vs. Kim
Have you ever thought about the strangeness of our naming conventions? Here are some that I thought that I would mention:
1. Kim, Tim, Jim. Why is there no consistency here? Kimberly becomes Kim, Timothy becomes Tim, James becomes Jim. Kim could be short for Kames, Jim for Jimothy, Tim for Timberly. If you're out there reading this, be more adventurous in naming kids things...
2. Isn't it odd how you can just add -bert, -ward, or -mund to names and get new ones? My friend and neighbor Jay has a short name. Often I will add the bert to make it more like a full name and less like a nickname. Doesn't Jaybert have a nice ring to it? Some other names don't work with that suffix, though. Aaron for instance works better as Aaronward.
3. At some point over the years of watching basketball, I noticed that the commentators for some reasons started calling three pointers "trays" or "treys." I never understood why, or even what the word meant, but just assumed it was the sort of normal idiocy that people who are actually paid to watch and talk about games would say. Then I noticed that it was becoming moderately popular as a name. Why? What does it mean? Isn't it an object that you serve food on? No offense meant to all of you out there with a three pointer as your name. I guess "free throw" or "field goal" are too long. But they could be the full name, and the nickname could be "Dunk."
4. I heard Gwyneth Paltrow used the name "Apple" because it gave a connotation of sweetness and healthiness. It's the natural followup to the name "Sugar" in our health conscious culture. I would also suggest to Ms. Paltrow "Aspartame" where she could use a multitude of cool nicknames, like "Asp" or "Party." If she's concerned about the potential headaches Aspartame causes (but I would point out that kids cause headaches too), she could just use "Splenda." Maybe she should ask the opinion of the parade of nannies who will actually raise the child...
1. Kim, Tim, Jim. Why is there no consistency here? Kimberly becomes Kim, Timothy becomes Tim, James becomes Jim. Kim could be short for Kames, Jim for Jimothy, Tim for Timberly. If you're out there reading this, be more adventurous in naming kids things...
2. Isn't it odd how you can just add -bert, -ward, or -mund to names and get new ones? My friend and neighbor Jay has a short name. Often I will add the bert to make it more like a full name and less like a nickname. Doesn't Jaybert have a nice ring to it? Some other names don't work with that suffix, though. Aaron for instance works better as Aaronward.
3. At some point over the years of watching basketball, I noticed that the commentators for some reasons started calling three pointers "trays" or "treys." I never understood why, or even what the word meant, but just assumed it was the sort of normal idiocy that people who are actually paid to watch and talk about games would say. Then I noticed that it was becoming moderately popular as a name. Why? What does it mean? Isn't it an object that you serve food on? No offense meant to all of you out there with a three pointer as your name. I guess "free throw" or "field goal" are too long. But they could be the full name, and the nickname could be "Dunk."
4. I heard Gwyneth Paltrow used the name "Apple" because it gave a connotation of sweetness and healthiness. It's the natural followup to the name "Sugar" in our health conscious culture. I would also suggest to Ms. Paltrow "Aspartame" where she could use a multitude of cool nicknames, like "Asp" or "Party." If she's concerned about the potential headaches Aspartame causes (but I would point out that kids cause headaches too), she could just use "Splenda." Maybe she should ask the opinion of the parade of nannies who will actually raise the child...
Weird Phrases
At work, two different friends mentioned phrases to me that are quite common, but when you stop to think about them make you scratch your head.
1. Mind your P's and Q's. I seem to remember watching a show on the Food Network where they explained the origins of this one, but it honestly baffles me. Why those letters? I'm going to keep minding all of my letters of the alphabet. Lots of other people focus on the P's and Q's, so the S's and T's are going to be my primary responsibility.
2. Another friend said something about "reading me the riot act." I don't know if that is supposed to prevent rioting or encourage it by telling you step by step instructions on how to do it. I prefer to think it's the latter. Step one - gather in a group (it's hard to have a riot with one person. That's usually called "going postal."). Step Two - get really angry about something. You don't have to understand it at all. In fact, it's usually better if you have no idea at all about the real issue - just try hard to be suggestible to someone with an agenda of some kind. Step Three - smash things, shout, and swear profusely. Step Four - Find someone in authority who is trying to restore order and prevent people from being hurt and attack them as being evil fascists who are trying to stop people from having fun. Teach them to have laws to protect people, evil fascists. Step five - Steal and loot as much as possible from the evil people who have stores and shops and actually force you to pay for things. Step six - I don't know any more of the steps. She stopped reading me the riot act at that point.
1. Mind your P's and Q's. I seem to remember watching a show on the Food Network where they explained the origins of this one, but it honestly baffles me. Why those letters? I'm going to keep minding all of my letters of the alphabet. Lots of other people focus on the P's and Q's, so the S's and T's are going to be my primary responsibility.
2. Another friend said something about "reading me the riot act." I don't know if that is supposed to prevent rioting or encourage it by telling you step by step instructions on how to do it. I prefer to think it's the latter. Step one - gather in a group (it's hard to have a riot with one person. That's usually called "going postal."). Step Two - get really angry about something. You don't have to understand it at all. In fact, it's usually better if you have no idea at all about the real issue - just try hard to be suggestible to someone with an agenda of some kind. Step Three - smash things, shout, and swear profusely. Step Four - Find someone in authority who is trying to restore order and prevent people from being hurt and attack them as being evil fascists who are trying to stop people from having fun. Teach them to have laws to protect people, evil fascists. Step five - Steal and loot as much as possible from the evil people who have stores and shops and actually force you to pay for things. Step six - I don't know any more of the steps. She stopped reading me the riot act at that point.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Coupons
Have you ever noticed that coupons will say at the bottom that they have a cash value of 1/20 of a cent? Have any of you ever tried to exploit that? The next time that you have to pay $5 for something, try paying with 10,000 Friskies coupons. Let me know what happens...
By the way, you'll have to make sure that you have exactly 10,000 coupons and not 9,998. I'd recommend counting them all in front of the sales person. Just don't lose count or you'll have to start again.
By the way, you'll have to make sure that you have exactly 10,000 coupons and not 9,998. I'd recommend counting them all in front of the sales person. Just don't lose count or you'll have to start again.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Emily Dickinson
A friend at work had some extra calendars, one of which had some great images of New England. Each month also had a poem by Emily Dickinson. Until recently I had never had any interest in poetry. I do, however, remember an English teacher telling me that most of Emily's poems can be sung to the tune of the Yellow Rose of Texas. To me this brings up a good question: If we have trouble with the rhythm of poetry, could we pick a song at random and write poetry to it? Give it a try. I'm going to try something with an actual melody, but feel free to try rap as well, I suppose.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Raisins and Prunes
Thought for the day:
Why are dried grapes called raisins and dried plums called prunes? What about dried bananas or dried pineapples or other dried fruits? They don't seem to have special names. How about bananins? Pineappunes?
Why are dried grapes called raisins and dried plums called prunes? What about dried bananas or dried pineapples or other dried fruits? They don't seem to have special names. How about bananins? Pineappunes?
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Questions that need answering...
There are some unanswered questions that transcend all others, and I have made a list of several of them in hopes that the answers may yet be determined in my lifetime. Here are a few - Some are not original, but instead are the type of questions that effect every man, woman, and child in existence.
1. What is Goofy? Is he a dog? If he is, why does he talk and wear clothes, when Pluto does not?
2. Why don't Porky Pig and Donald Duck wear pants? When they show them coming out of the shower in a cartoon, why do they put a towel around themselves if they don't usually need pants?
3. Who are these doctors and dentists who are always the one of ten who don't support something? "Nine of out ten doctors believe that drinking water is important to your overall health." Is the other doctor a moron or just someone who can't make up their mind? How do you know the 1oth doctor isn't your doctor?
4. Is there anything scarier than this? I drove past a gas station last night that had a little sign where they can change their messages - normally things like "Hot dogs - 2 for $1." This one said "We do taxes." Is it just me, or is the gas station the last place you would think to go to get your taxes done? I'm planning on going to a CPA soon and ask for an oil change and to replace my brakes. I bet it will be cheaper than going to a mechanic. I already have a good quote from H&R Block.
1. What is Goofy? Is he a dog? If he is, why does he talk and wear clothes, when Pluto does not?
2. Why don't Porky Pig and Donald Duck wear pants? When they show them coming out of the shower in a cartoon, why do they put a towel around themselves if they don't usually need pants?
3. Who are these doctors and dentists who are always the one of ten who don't support something? "Nine of out ten doctors believe that drinking water is important to your overall health." Is the other doctor a moron or just someone who can't make up their mind? How do you know the 1oth doctor isn't your doctor?
4. Is there anything scarier than this? I drove past a gas station last night that had a little sign where they can change their messages - normally things like "Hot dogs - 2 for $1." This one said "We do taxes." Is it just me, or is the gas station the last place you would think to go to get your taxes done? I'm planning on going to a CPA soon and ask for an oil change and to replace my brakes. I bet it will be cheaper than going to a mechanic. I already have a good quote from H&R Block.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Slovakia - Our Drive to the Plant
We were heading to Nove Mesto. We flew into Vienna, rented a car, and then drove across the border into Slovakia. I have never driven a stick shift car, and all of the vehicles were manual transmission, so my coworker Aaron was elected our driver. We had been told that we were to decline extra insurance on the rental car, and we did so.
We had our Mexican controller, Octavio, with us, and he caused a minor sensation when we crossed over the border and we had to show our passports. I would imagine that Mexican passports were rare heading into Slovakia. The border areas were a lot like toll booths. I couldn't help looking around as we went through to see if I could find any sign of what I suspect were the more stringent protective areas left from the Soviet days, but I didn't see anything.
Everything went smoothly at first. Aaron kept to the speed limit briefly, until we saw that like the US people totally ignore it. At that time he decided to "follow the flow of traffic." We sailed through Brataslava and into the middle of Slovakia. At that time, there really only appeared to be one main highway in the whole country, and we were on it. About half way through our journey, we came around a bend to a overpass, and a truck was stopped on the side of the road. The driver had lost his load, which were crates and boxes, and they were strewn all over our lane. The lane to our left had cars in it, so there was nowhere for us to go. Aaron just drove through them. We didn't want to stop and inspect the damage because we couldn't speak the language, and I don't believe that we had a cell phone that worked either. We kept going and for a while everything seemed OK.
But then, what we feared in the back of our minds happened. Our speed started dropping and the temperature gauge started rising! We were more than a little nervous. This continued formsome time, until we weren't going that fast at all. We barely made it to the plant, but then the admin assistant there helped us get a new rental car. There ended up being some trouble because we had not asked for the extra insurance, but it worked out for us in the end.
We had our Mexican controller, Octavio, with us, and he caused a minor sensation when we crossed over the border and we had to show our passports. I would imagine that Mexican passports were rare heading into Slovakia. The border areas were a lot like toll booths. I couldn't help looking around as we went through to see if I could find any sign of what I suspect were the more stringent protective areas left from the Soviet days, but I didn't see anything.
Everything went smoothly at first. Aaron kept to the speed limit briefly, until we saw that like the US people totally ignore it. At that time he decided to "follow the flow of traffic." We sailed through Brataslava and into the middle of Slovakia. At that time, there really only appeared to be one main highway in the whole country, and we were on it. About half way through our journey, we came around a bend to a overpass, and a truck was stopped on the side of the road. The driver had lost his load, which were crates and boxes, and they were strewn all over our lane. The lane to our left had cars in it, so there was nowhere for us to go. Aaron just drove through them. We didn't want to stop and inspect the damage because we couldn't speak the language, and I don't believe that we had a cell phone that worked either. We kept going and for a while everything seemed OK.
But then, what we feared in the back of our minds happened. Our speed started dropping and the temperature gauge started rising! We were more than a little nervous. This continued formsome time, until we weren't going that fast at all. We barely made it to the plant, but then the admin assistant there helped us get a new rental car. There ended up being some trouble because we had not asked for the extra insurance, but it worked out for us in the end.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Tales from Slovakia
I spent some time in Europe for my previous employer. Twice I spent a week in Slovakia, which I found fascinating. Now, I don't want to generalize, but it seemed from the people we encountered in our plant that we were visiting that the Slovakian men were on average a bit taller than the average American man. I found this ironic because the hotel we stayed in had very short beds. The hotel rooms had separations everywhere. There were two short single beds in the hotel room I was given, but they were separated almost as separate rooms themselves by dividers. When you first went in the room, there was a sort of foyer, with fiberglass type dividers splitting the bedroom. Very strange.
Brataslava also was a study in contrasts. You could still see the ugly Soviet era apartment buildings towering in the distant, all grayish white and all looking exactly the same. Much of Brataslava was booming, with new residences, shopping centers, and roads being built. It was quite amazing. It's been probably 3 years since I've been there, and I'm sure that it has changed dramatically even since then.
Brataslava also was a study in contrasts. You could still see the ugly Soviet era apartment buildings towering in the distant, all grayish white and all looking exactly the same. Much of Brataslava was booming, with new residences, shopping centers, and roads being built. It was quite amazing. It's been probably 3 years since I've been there, and I'm sure that it has changed dramatically even since then.
Friday, February 22, 2008
The Story of Kelli
This anecdote isn't funny, but is something that I thought I would share. While I was growing up, there was a girl in grade school that I had a major crush on from first sight in first grade all through sixth grade. Not only was she pretty, but she seemed like a nice girl. I won't give her name, for fear of libel/slander/whatever. Alas, her niceness didn't seem to last. When I returned to school in seventh grade, she like everyone else suddenly seemed to go insane. I never have seen such a transformation from pleasant or at least neutral people to hateful people as I did in the transition to junior high in seventh grade. Looking back, I wonder if the water supply had been poisoned.
Kelli was a cheerleader, and like many other people thought it was funny to mock me. After this happened a several times, we had an intense exchange with the result that she never bothered me again. We also seldom spoke after that. I think we had a couple of brief "it looks like rain" sort of conversations in high school, but nothing extended or personal. That was fine with me.
In college for the first year or so I stayed in contact with my few close friends from high school, though that soon changed as time wore on. During that period, I heard that Kelli was taking dance classes in college and had found that she had a cancerous tumor in her leg. Pretty serious stuff. I remembered that we had once been friends, and I decided that I shouldn't hold some silly things that she did in junior high against her. It was tough, but I bought a card and wrote a note. Now currently I can have a tendency if I talk too much to put my foot in my mouth. Back then, I was a little worse. I'd put both feet in my mouth, which would result more often that not in falling to the ground on my butt.
Whatever I said to Kelli, it was heart felt. I merely told her that I and my college friends (at least those that did that sort of thing) were praying for her, and I must have said that because of our strained relationship after junior high that I wasn't sure that I should contact her. Something like that.
Some time later I received a response (which I didn't keep.) It's hard to understand what people mean from what they say. I remember her saying something to the effect of "Thanks for the card, I appreciate the prayers. I know how hard it must have been for you to send this card." I took it that she was getting in a bit of a barb, since I must have laid it on too thick about our estranged friendship in the original card. That was my reading of the tone at the time.
I heard that she recovered and grew back her hair, and I didn't really think any more about her until several years later when we were 28. My mom sent me a clipping from the newspaper. Kelli had a recurrence of cancer and had died. It shook me a great deal, that someone so young and fit could succumb like that. Though I had never realized it consciously before, I guess there had always been in the back of my mind this idea that I might see her again someday and feel proud of myself and what I had become. You know, a sort of "So there" moment. Now that wasn't going to happen. I remembered our friendship in grade school more vividly after that, and I really was shaken.
The moral of the story? I don't know that there is one, other than you never know what is going to happen and when. If you have something to say to someone, don't put it off.
Kelli was a cheerleader, and like many other people thought it was funny to mock me. After this happened a several times, we had an intense exchange with the result that she never bothered me again. We also seldom spoke after that. I think we had a couple of brief "it looks like rain" sort of conversations in high school, but nothing extended or personal. That was fine with me.
In college for the first year or so I stayed in contact with my few close friends from high school, though that soon changed as time wore on. During that period, I heard that Kelli was taking dance classes in college and had found that she had a cancerous tumor in her leg. Pretty serious stuff. I remembered that we had once been friends, and I decided that I shouldn't hold some silly things that she did in junior high against her. It was tough, but I bought a card and wrote a note. Now currently I can have a tendency if I talk too much to put my foot in my mouth. Back then, I was a little worse. I'd put both feet in my mouth, which would result more often that not in falling to the ground on my butt.
Whatever I said to Kelli, it was heart felt. I merely told her that I and my college friends (at least those that did that sort of thing) were praying for her, and I must have said that because of our strained relationship after junior high that I wasn't sure that I should contact her. Something like that.
Some time later I received a response (which I didn't keep.) It's hard to understand what people mean from what they say. I remember her saying something to the effect of "Thanks for the card, I appreciate the prayers. I know how hard it must have been for you to send this card." I took it that she was getting in a bit of a barb, since I must have laid it on too thick about our estranged friendship in the original card. That was my reading of the tone at the time.
I heard that she recovered and grew back her hair, and I didn't really think any more about her until several years later when we were 28. My mom sent me a clipping from the newspaper. Kelli had a recurrence of cancer and had died. It shook me a great deal, that someone so young and fit could succumb like that. Though I had never realized it consciously before, I guess there had always been in the back of my mind this idea that I might see her again someday and feel proud of myself and what I had become. You know, a sort of "So there" moment. Now that wasn't going to happen. I remembered our friendship in grade school more vividly after that, and I really was shaken.
The moral of the story? I don't know that there is one, other than you never know what is going to happen and when. If you have something to say to someone, don't put it off.
Monday, February 18, 2008
The Worst Big Budget Movies?
I was thinking recently about some of the worst big budget films out there. I have a good friend who says that Waterworld (with Kevin Costner) fits into that category. I only saw it once, but I didn't think it was that horrible. Of course, this kind of thing is always subjective, but I do have a few to mention.
1. Superman IV - It was some time before I even realized that Christopher Reeve had made a 4th Superman movie. I don't remember it being in theatres. After I saw it, I realized why. I found it painful. The worst parts were the scenes with Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor. If you remember the comics, Lex is supposed to be bald. In the 1st movie, Gene Jackson pulls off his "wig" at the end of the movie and is revealed as bald. In the 4th movie, he is apparently wearing his wig again. However, the wig has a bald spot...
2. Dungeons and Dragons - Truly awful picture that my friend Matt and I went to see without his wife. Staying home was the best decision Lina ever made. Thora Birch tried hard in her role as the queen, but she didn't have a chance of saving this movie from its terrible script.
3. Catch and Release - Kevin Smith is funny, but the other characters (especially the leads) are to me so unsympathetic as to make some parts of this movie actually appalling. I'm a big Jennifer Garner fan for her work in Alias, but this movie was not a good career choice for her.
and the worst one of all time in my opinion...
Hudson Hawk. I went to see this film against my will, and I believe I had the first white appearing in my hair upon coming out of the theatre.
Again, these are just big budget films. There are plenty of TV movies that are most likely far worse. Also, there are many films (The Saw pictures, the American Pie series and its ilk of crude humor) that I might dislike even more if I ever went to see them. However, they hold no interest for me because of their subject matter.
1. Superman IV - It was some time before I even realized that Christopher Reeve had made a 4th Superman movie. I don't remember it being in theatres. After I saw it, I realized why. I found it painful. The worst parts were the scenes with Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor. If you remember the comics, Lex is supposed to be bald. In the 1st movie, Gene Jackson pulls off his "wig" at the end of the movie and is revealed as bald. In the 4th movie, he is apparently wearing his wig again. However, the wig has a bald spot...
2. Dungeons and Dragons - Truly awful picture that my friend Matt and I went to see without his wife. Staying home was the best decision Lina ever made. Thora Birch tried hard in her role as the queen, but she didn't have a chance of saving this movie from its terrible script.
3. Catch and Release - Kevin Smith is funny, but the other characters (especially the leads) are to me so unsympathetic as to make some parts of this movie actually appalling. I'm a big Jennifer Garner fan for her work in Alias, but this movie was not a good career choice for her.
and the worst one of all time in my opinion...
Hudson Hawk. I went to see this film against my will, and I believe I had the first white appearing in my hair upon coming out of the theatre.
Again, these are just big budget films. There are plenty of TV movies that are most likely far worse. Also, there are many films (The Saw pictures, the American Pie series and its ilk of crude humor) that I might dislike even more if I ever went to see them. However, they hold no interest for me because of their subject matter.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Product Idea
Ideas I had for products that never quite made it…
Electric Abacus
Electric Kazoo – think of the difference in sound between an acoustic guitar and electric guitar. Imagine the possibilities
Tackle Tiddlywinks - a boring game made more athletic
Diet Oil of Olay - save calories by replacing all that unhealthy oil with applesauce
Hollow potatoes - this is to make it easy to have potato skins. Hey, they serve donut holes, right?
Electric Abacus
Electric Kazoo – think of the difference in sound between an acoustic guitar and electric guitar. Imagine the possibilities
Tackle Tiddlywinks - a boring game made more athletic
Diet Oil of Olay - save calories by replacing all that unhealthy oil with applesauce
Hollow potatoes - this is to make it easy to have potato skins. Hey, they serve donut holes, right?
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Restaurant Service
Have you ever had really poor service when you go out to eat at a restaurant? If you pay by credit card, I have what may be an innovative solution to your problems. When you get your receipt with the total and the slot for the tip, enter a negative amount. For example, let's say the bill was $30.00. Write in your tip of ($5.00) or -$5.00, and then write in the total as $25.00. Why should you be the only one suffering if they gave you the wrong food and were disagreeable about it? If the service is really horrible, write in the tip as ($35.00). Then they owe you $5.00. Hold out your hand for the money as the waiter/waitress comes by.
Please note that this would never really work. But at least you can have some satisfaction in thinking about it, right?
Please note that this would never really work. But at least you can have some satisfaction in thinking about it, right?
Monday, February 11, 2008
The need to have an enemy?
My original purpose in having this blog was to communicate the humorous, or at least what I hoped to be humorous. I find my posts of late to be straying from that charter. This is another of those.
Have you noticed within ourselves the need to have an enemy? Not necessarily a person, per se, but often abstract concepts? I think that many people of varied backgrounds may agree on this, whether they believe it is a vestige remaining through our evolution from animals who were in constant conflict to stay alive, to those who may call it an element of original sin.
An example of this attitude is the feelings some people have over sports teams. Have you, like me, been appalled at behavior at sporting venues when you go to see a game? Or shaken your head at what you hear about football matches in Europe where rioting occurs? There have been stories of people murdered after they perform poorly in football matches. I remember one in particular in South America.
Does anyone remember Mitch Williams? He was a closer in the World Series that gave up a winning home run to the other team. I remember reading how immediately afterwards fans pulled up outside his family's home to spew their anger and hate at him. They were harrassed for some time after that. He was never the same player after that World Series experience.
I think some of us need a place where we can direct our anger and frustration at the world, and sports and politics are a frequent way to do that. I see it in my own life. I'll give an example of a sports team. There is a university that I will not mention that has long been a lightning rod for my anger and hate, and admittedly it is foolish of me. It started when the people I knew from high school who were going there were complete jerks and enemies of mine. It continues to this day, when I can freely say that of all of the people I have met who have attended this school, only one can I say to have liked. The others have a mix of arrogance and sports' obsession that tend to push me away.
Still, whether I believe I have reasons to feel this way or not, I don't really. It's a silly "outlet" for my anger that does nothing more than to fan the flames of all of those parts of myself that I want purged. Rather than being an outlet to vent, it actually makes things worse. This is true for more than just sports teams.
Again, for me it seems that when people attack my beliefs or things that I have expressed an opinion about (whether it be TV shows, books, music), it will often come across as a personal attack on me. Is it really? Usually not, but most of the time that doesn't stop me from feeling that it was.
What is my point to this? I guess that I have a lot of work to do, that even being aware of this part of myself doesn't mean that I can stop it necessarily, though they say admitting the problem is at least a first step. But I think that this is a problem for society at large, maybe not to the same degree as it is for me, but maybe for some a bigger problem. I hope and pray that we as a people come to recognize this part of ourselves and not let it overcome us.
Have you noticed within ourselves the need to have an enemy? Not necessarily a person, per se, but often abstract concepts? I think that many people of varied backgrounds may agree on this, whether they believe it is a vestige remaining through our evolution from animals who were in constant conflict to stay alive, to those who may call it an element of original sin.
An example of this attitude is the feelings some people have over sports teams. Have you, like me, been appalled at behavior at sporting venues when you go to see a game? Or shaken your head at what you hear about football matches in Europe where rioting occurs? There have been stories of people murdered after they perform poorly in football matches. I remember one in particular in South America.
Does anyone remember Mitch Williams? He was a closer in the World Series that gave up a winning home run to the other team. I remember reading how immediately afterwards fans pulled up outside his family's home to spew their anger and hate at him. They were harrassed for some time after that. He was never the same player after that World Series experience.
I think some of us need a place where we can direct our anger and frustration at the world, and sports and politics are a frequent way to do that. I see it in my own life. I'll give an example of a sports team. There is a university that I will not mention that has long been a lightning rod for my anger and hate, and admittedly it is foolish of me. It started when the people I knew from high school who were going there were complete jerks and enemies of mine. It continues to this day, when I can freely say that of all of the people I have met who have attended this school, only one can I say to have liked. The others have a mix of arrogance and sports' obsession that tend to push me away.
Still, whether I believe I have reasons to feel this way or not, I don't really. It's a silly "outlet" for my anger that does nothing more than to fan the flames of all of those parts of myself that I want purged. Rather than being an outlet to vent, it actually makes things worse. This is true for more than just sports teams.
Again, for me it seems that when people attack my beliefs or things that I have expressed an opinion about (whether it be TV shows, books, music), it will often come across as a personal attack on me. Is it really? Usually not, but most of the time that doesn't stop me from feeling that it was.
What is my point to this? I guess that I have a lot of work to do, that even being aware of this part of myself doesn't mean that I can stop it necessarily, though they say admitting the problem is at least a first step. But I think that this is a problem for society at large, maybe not to the same degree as it is for me, but maybe for some a bigger problem. I hope and pray that we as a people come to recognize this part of ourselves and not let it overcome us.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
One Definition of Crazy
I have heard that one definition of crazy is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. I would like to share what I would consider a perfect example of this with you.
Everyday on my way to work, I go through one traffic light and have a stretch of maybe a quarter mile to the next light. You can see the next light very clearly in the distance. The two are in sync with each other, meaning that they always change in the exact same relationship to each other. The speed limit is 50, though most people pretend the speed limit signs aren't there or don't apply to them and drive closer to 65.
Every day, I go through the first light and stay at about 40 up until the next light, because it changes to yellow and then red fairly soon after going through the first one. Even driving at 40 or slightly less, I always get to the second light while it is still red. It is impossible to drive fast enough to get through the second before it changes to red.
This doesn't stop people every morning from flying past me and racing to the light before jamming on their brakes. The guys with the 10 ton pickup trucks that probably get 10 miles to the gallon are stupid enough, but even the Prius driver with the supposed interest in being "green" and getting good gas mileage is guilty of it. Aside from the wasted gasoline and extra wear and tear on the brakes, isn't this the definition of insanity for those people who travel this same route every morning like I do? They get the same result everyday....
Everyday on my way to work, I go through one traffic light and have a stretch of maybe a quarter mile to the next light. You can see the next light very clearly in the distance. The two are in sync with each other, meaning that they always change in the exact same relationship to each other. The speed limit is 50, though most people pretend the speed limit signs aren't there or don't apply to them and drive closer to 65.
Every day, I go through the first light and stay at about 40 up until the next light, because it changes to yellow and then red fairly soon after going through the first one. Even driving at 40 or slightly less, I always get to the second light while it is still red. It is impossible to drive fast enough to get through the second before it changes to red.
This doesn't stop people every morning from flying past me and racing to the light before jamming on their brakes. The guys with the 10 ton pickup trucks that probably get 10 miles to the gallon are stupid enough, but even the Prius driver with the supposed interest in being "green" and getting good gas mileage is guilty of it. Aside from the wasted gasoline and extra wear and tear on the brakes, isn't this the definition of insanity for those people who travel this same route every morning like I do? They get the same result everyday....
Monday, February 4, 2008
Taking it with you...
I heard a joke recently, and I'd thought I'd relate my version of it here. Some of my close friends have heard it already. A disclaimer: I'm not endorsing the theology contained therein, such as it is...
A wealthy man contracted cancer and was quickly dying. He consulted with his minister and ones from several other churches, but was depressed that they all told him the same thing: money was temporal and he couldn't take it with him to heaven. As he lay dying, he prayed fervently and ceaselessly to heaven that he would be allowed to take the wealth that he had taken a lifetime to accumulate. Finally, an angel of the Lord appeared to him.
"Angel, I have worked hard all my life for this money, and you know that I have given my tithe to the church and far more, and have given generously to all in need."
The angel acknowledged that this was so, but that he would have no need of money in heaven. The man persisted in his begging, until at last the angel relented.
"You are permitted to take one bag, and one bag only," the angel said, and bade him farewell.
The old man was by this time gravely ill, and with his last strength he crawled out of bed (for he had elected to die at home) and filled a suitcase with gold. Then he died, still clutching his bag tightly.
The next moment that he was aware of, he was standing in front of an angel that he knew was Michael. Behind Michael were the gates of heaven. Michael looked at the bag.
"You are not allowed to bring that in here, I'm afraid," he said.
The old man (now miraculously young) said proudly "Oh no, I have special permission to bring this suitcase into heaven."
The angel looked as skeptical as an angel can, and asked him to open the bag. The man did so and the angel took in all of the beautiful glittering gold that filled the case. The angel smiled and slapped the man on the back.
"Great! That's fine. But why did you bring all this pavement?"
If you don't get it, read Revelation 21:21.
A wealthy man contracted cancer and was quickly dying. He consulted with his minister and ones from several other churches, but was depressed that they all told him the same thing: money was temporal and he couldn't take it with him to heaven. As he lay dying, he prayed fervently and ceaselessly to heaven that he would be allowed to take the wealth that he had taken a lifetime to accumulate. Finally, an angel of the Lord appeared to him.
"Angel, I have worked hard all my life for this money, and you know that I have given my tithe to the church and far more, and have given generously to all in need."
The angel acknowledged that this was so, but that he would have no need of money in heaven. The man persisted in his begging, until at last the angel relented.
"You are permitted to take one bag, and one bag only," the angel said, and bade him farewell.
The old man was by this time gravely ill, and with his last strength he crawled out of bed (for he had elected to die at home) and filled a suitcase with gold. Then he died, still clutching his bag tightly.
The next moment that he was aware of, he was standing in front of an angel that he knew was Michael. Behind Michael were the gates of heaven. Michael looked at the bag.
"You are not allowed to bring that in here, I'm afraid," he said.
The old man (now miraculously young) said proudly "Oh no, I have special permission to bring this suitcase into heaven."
The angel looked as skeptical as an angel can, and asked him to open the bag. The man did so and the angel took in all of the beautiful glittering gold that filled the case. The angel smiled and slapped the man on the back.
"Great! That's fine. But why did you bring all this pavement?"
If you don't get it, read Revelation 21:21.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Word Puzzles 2 Answers
Everyone who lives in the Midwest and Northeast, take care in going to work today. It looks pretty nasty out there.
Yesterday I posted more word puzzles. These are phrases that are a bit mixed up. I'll leave some space between the puzzles and the answers.
Here are the puzzles:
Request and you will get
Deceased poundage
Top Dairy
Near Trim
Bit of baked goods
Broken Legged Fowl
And here are the answers:
ta da!
Ask and you shall receive
Dead Weight
Head Cheese
Close Shave
Piece of Cake
Lame Duck
Yesterday I posted more word puzzles. These are phrases that are a bit mixed up. I'll leave some space between the puzzles and the answers.
Here are the puzzles:
Request and you will get
Deceased poundage
Top Dairy
Near Trim
Bit of baked goods
Broken Legged Fowl
And here are the answers:
ta da!
Ask and you shall receive
Dead Weight
Head Cheese
Close Shave
Piece of Cake
Lame Duck
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Word Puzzles 2
Here are some more common phrases twisted a bit. See if you can figure out the proper wordings.
Request and you will get
Deceased poundage
Top Dairy
Near Trim
Bit of baked goods
Broken Legged Fowl
Request and you will get
Deceased poundage
Top Dairy
Near Trim
Bit of baked goods
Broken Legged Fowl
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
What's In A Name?
How many "odd" names have you encountered in your everyday lives? I can think of several: In high school there was apparently a person (not in my grade) named Jed Clampett. I don't remember ever meeting him, but I remember him being called to the office on occasion.
At a former employer there was a man with the last name of Holly who went by Buddy.
When I worked at a bank a long time ago processing certain applications, I did see a Sandy Beach and an Eric Von Batman III.
On the slightly tasteless front, in my first office job out of college there was a man in our department with the last name of Dickhaut. We then hired a woman with the last name of Dickens. I won't comment any more on that...
At that same place, there was a man who managed one of our stores that some of my coworkers would call specifically to have him paged throughout his store. His name was Richard Handler, but he went by the nickname Dick instead of Rick or Rich. Again, this is all true. Who would even think about making up Von Batman III?
At a former employer there was a man with the last name of Holly who went by Buddy.
When I worked at a bank a long time ago processing certain applications, I did see a Sandy Beach and an Eric Von Batman III.
On the slightly tasteless front, in my first office job out of college there was a man in our department with the last name of Dickhaut. We then hired a woman with the last name of Dickens. I won't comment any more on that...
At that same place, there was a man who managed one of our stores that some of my coworkers would call specifically to have him paged throughout his store. His name was Richard Handler, but he went by the nickname Dick instead of Rick or Rich. Again, this is all true. Who would even think about making up Von Batman III?
Monday, January 28, 2008
My Family's Style of Speaking
First off, I have to say that my Dad is one of the most selfless and caring people that I have ever known, and I mean him no disrespect by this post. It is true however that he has a unique way of looking at the world and of speaking. Let me explain by example:
About 15 years ago my Dad broke his kneecap and had knee replacement surgery. It was a difficult recovery at that time. One of the things he had to do was wear support hose on his leg. His term for it: his panty hoe, since it was singular.
He also had one of the lenses of his glasses fall out once, and he talked about how the "len" fell out.
Other interesting phrases:
black as pitch
brown as indigo (this was is particularly interesting since Indigo is sort of a bluish purple)
My dad is from Western Pennsylvania, and there are a few other phrases and pronunciations that are perhaps unique to that area. My maternal grandmother spoke the same way.
"gum bands" instead of rubber bands
"you'uns" for you plural (sort of like y'all in the south)
Saying "deesh" instead of dish, or "feesh" or "weesh".
My grandmother was still alive when the first President Bush was in office, and she pronounced his name "boosh."
Any one notice anything about the Ohio area's way of pronouncing things? This might be easier for people who didn't grow up here.
About 15 years ago my Dad broke his kneecap and had knee replacement surgery. It was a difficult recovery at that time. One of the things he had to do was wear support hose on his leg. His term for it: his panty hoe, since it was singular.
He also had one of the lenses of his glasses fall out once, and he talked about how the "len" fell out.
Other interesting phrases:
black as pitch
brown as indigo (this was is particularly interesting since Indigo is sort of a bluish purple)
My dad is from Western Pennsylvania, and there are a few other phrases and pronunciations that are perhaps unique to that area. My maternal grandmother spoke the same way.
"gum bands" instead of rubber bands
"you'uns" for you plural (sort of like y'all in the south)
Saying "deesh" instead of dish, or "feesh" or "weesh".
My grandmother was still alive when the first President Bush was in office, and she pronounced his name "boosh."
Any one notice anything about the Ohio area's way of pronouncing things? This might be easier for people who didn't grow up here.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Trails from Abandoned Railways
Some of the best trails in the US were originally covered by railroad tracks. Over the years, because of changing transportation trends, miles of tracks have been abandoned. Various community and national organizations have worked to keep that land designated as public land, and to create and maintain trails on it.
In a country where we don't have the public transportation systems or bicycle friendly roadways of many other nations, having a system of national trails based on old railway lines was to me a revelation. In some communities they can be used for commuting or short trips to stores to lower fuel costs and pollution, to prevent clogging of our nation's roads, and to promote exercise. Aside from practical uses, they are great areas to ride your bikes, run, or simply walk with your family for fun and recreation.
If you think this sounds like a good cause, I would encourage you to seek out some of these regional and national organizations. They can always use financial support, but you may be able to volunteer your time to help in the maintaining of existing trails in your community.
In a country where we don't have the public transportation systems or bicycle friendly roadways of many other nations, having a system of national trails based on old railway lines was to me a revelation. In some communities they can be used for commuting or short trips to stores to lower fuel costs and pollution, to prevent clogging of our nation's roads, and to promote exercise. Aside from practical uses, they are great areas to ride your bikes, run, or simply walk with your family for fun and recreation.
If you think this sounds like a good cause, I would encourage you to seek out some of these regional and national organizations. They can always use financial support, but you may be able to volunteer your time to help in the maintaining of existing trails in your community.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Unlikely Business Ideas - Montana Tumbleweeds
There is a site called Montana Tumbleweeds. The woman who runs it originally made the site as a bit of a joke as she was learning HTML. She lives in Montana and has a lot of tumbleweeds blowing across her property. She started the online "business" of offering tumbleweeds for sale and was shocked when people started placing orders. Now she has a thriving business, as people all over the world think it's cool to order genuine Montana tumbleweeds.
What kinds of unique things do you have or know about that someone might be interested in elsewhere in the world? If we lived in the 1970's, perhaps Ohioans that live towards the east could sell vials of the Cuyahoga River as fuel. After the river caught on fire, I'm sure that the market demand would have been at its peak. If you are interested in starting an internet based business, I wish you all good luck in thinking of a unique product like Montana Tumbleweeds.
What kinds of unique things do you have or know about that someone might be interested in elsewhere in the world? If we lived in the 1970's, perhaps Ohioans that live towards the east could sell vials of the Cuyahoga River as fuel. After the river caught on fire, I'm sure that the market demand would have been at its peak. If you are interested in starting an internet based business, I wish you all good luck in thinking of a unique product like Montana Tumbleweeds.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Word Puzzle 1 Answers
Yesterday I posted a puzzle, and today I'm going to give the answers. Hopefully I'll leave enough space that people who didn't see yesterday's post won't see the answers too early.
Here goes:
First, I'll show the puzzle phrases.
Hirstute Sculptor
Serious Sower
Skinny Grabbings
Gaze First, Then Jump
Small Home on the Plains
Now for the answers:
(drum roll....)
Harry Potter
Grim Reaper
Slim Pickings
Look Before You Leap
Little House on the Prairie
Here goes:
First, I'll show the puzzle phrases.
Hirstute Sculptor
Serious Sower
Skinny Grabbings
Gaze First, Then Jump
Small Home on the Plains
Now for the answers:
(drum roll....)
Harry Potter
Grim Reaper
Slim Pickings
Look Before You Leap
Little House on the Prairie
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Word Puzzles
For some reason the other day, I started thinking of some of these word puzzles. Now that I have an outlet for this sort of thing, I decided to write them down and think of some more. They are words and phrases that are alternate ways of saying something that should be recognizable. I'll give an example:
Highly Temperate Canine = Hot Dog
where Hot Dog is the common phrase (unless you've been reading my other posts and you have been moving into very eccentric territory.) I'm picturing someone going into Rudy's Hot Dog (which for most people is a stretch in and of itself) and asking for a Highly Temperate Canine with mustard and onions.
:-)
Try these. Some are phrases. I'll give answers tomorrow.
Hirstute Sculptor
Serious Sower
Skinny Grabbings
Gaze First, Then Jump
Small Home on the Plains
Good Luck! (This was a wish, not one of the puzzles...)
Highly Temperate Canine = Hot Dog
where Hot Dog is the common phrase (unless you've been reading my other posts and you have been moving into very eccentric territory.) I'm picturing someone going into Rudy's Hot Dog (which for most people is a stretch in and of itself) and asking for a Highly Temperate Canine with mustard and onions.
:-)
Try these. Some are phrases. I'll give answers tomorrow.
Hirstute Sculptor
Serious Sower
Skinny Grabbings
Gaze First, Then Jump
Small Home on the Plains
Good Luck! (This was a wish, not one of the puzzles...)
Monday, January 21, 2008
Word Fun Part 2
Have you ever thought much about words like good and food? You would think that they would rhyme, but they don't. Impress your peers by pronouncing them the same. Try pronouncing them both the same as wood, and tell someone you enjoyed their good food. Next time, try it the other way, pronouncing them both like lewd (gewd fewd). You'll be on your way to being an eccentric in no time...
Friday, January 18, 2008
A Poem - Weather Bytes
Here's a poem I wrote recently.
Weather Bytes
The Falling Snow
the delight of our childhood
brings peace to the masses
as it descends over the countryside.
The Lightning's Glare
illuminating the darkness
brings no comfort to those
who are hiding under the bed.
The Roaring Thunder
immense in its volume
no more power of its own
than a tinkling windchime.
A Rainy Spring Day
a window of opportunity
to dream many dreams
from the porch swing's refuge.
Weather Bytes
The Falling Snow
the delight of our childhood
brings peace to the masses
as it descends over the countryside.
The Lightning's Glare
illuminating the darkness
brings no comfort to those
who are hiding under the bed.
The Roaring Thunder
immense in its volume
no more power of its own
than a tinkling windchime.
A Rainy Spring Day
a window of opportunity
to dream many dreams
from the porch swing's refuge.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Conspiracy, Laziness, or Nothing New Under The Sun?
Have you ever wondered why there don't appear to be new instruments created? When was the last time a new instrument was added to an orchestra lineup? When was a new horn or woodwind last made to add to a concert or jazz band? Does no one in the music world care about new sounds except for electronic sounds? Are no new instruments possible, or are the people in power so traditional that they won't consider trying something new? Anybody have any thoughts on that? I find it hard to believe that we can't make any new instruments that sound good that haven't already been made in the 1600's or 1700's.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Successful Business Ideas
Are you ever amazed by people's success stories? Here's one about the guy who founded Plentyoffish.com. Please note that I'm not advertising the site. It's a dating site that I've never visited (note to my wife!).
However, I read recently that the creator of the site only made it to test his skills at web designing and did nothing to promote it. Despite that, people flocked to the site and he had to continue to add new servers to support it. Soon he had received a check for $900,000 for 2 months of advertising! He has no employees working for him and says that the site is practically self running.
The question is, do you find this inspiring or depressing, or a little of both? My advice: If you have an idea or something you like to do, go for it. You never know...
However, I read recently that the creator of the site only made it to test his skills at web designing and did nothing to promote it. Despite that, people flocked to the site and he had to continue to add new servers to support it. Soon he had received a check for $900,000 for 2 months of advertising! He has no employees working for him and says that the site is practically self running.
The question is, do you find this inspiring or depressing, or a little of both? My advice: If you have an idea or something you like to do, go for it. You never know...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
The Legend of Star
During one summer in college I worked at McDonalds in Estes Park, Colorado. It was a fascinating melting pot of people compared to the usual fast food shack. There were retirees who had moved to Colorado and wanted to keep working, a school teacher from Indiana who came to Estes Park every summer and paid for her vacation by working, a former nun, and students from all over the globe: England, France, Morocco, and especially Nepal.
My topic today however happens to be none of those people. It rests solely with a young woman named Star. I was told that Star's parents were former Hippies, though I never spoke with her enough to know if that was true. In fact, she didn't seem to work very often. But one night she did, and assumed her usual spot at the front working the register. The men were always put in the back, and the women usually at the front. All that I can say is that Star seemed like a nice enough girl, but she apparently had a reputation for living up to the "out there" stereotype associated with her name. She was never mocked in her presence or anything. No one treated her badly, or I would have felt very uncomfortable. She just had a rep.
The system operated in such a way that normal orders were treated like an assembly line - you made a dozen "regs", with a certain number cheesed. These were regular hamburgers and cheeseburgers. In the evening, things tended to slow way down, but for some reason we tended to get more "grill" orders, ones that had specials requests - no pickle, extra onion, that sort of thing. Grills would print out of a small printer, and the person who was going to make the grill would rip off the paper and take it with them. I think they would even give the slip back with the order.
This evening that Star was working, we had several grill orders come through in a row. We made them hurriedly, and then when we were done waited looking out into the lobby, chatting. Star came up to the window repeatedly peering back at us. Her face had a hunted look. She started drumming her fingers on the side of the heat lamp bay. She glanced back several times behind her to the line of customers. Beads of sweat began multiplying all over her forehead. Finally she could hold back no longer, and she wailed in exasperation "Where is my grill? I've been waiting forever!"
At that we were startled and began looking around frantically. After what seemed like minutes but was probably several seconds, we asked her what it was so that we could make it, since we couldn't find the slip. Her reply was stellar, no pun intended. "It was a cheeseburger no cheese."
I'll let you think about that one for a second.
As she was telling this in palpable frustration because we were taking so long to get her a relatively simple grill, she was leaning over and practically crushing the hamburgers that we under the heat lamp. While they weren't technically a special grill, I don't know what a cheeseburger no cheese is other than a hamburger.
That sort of cemented the legend of Star at the restaurant.
My topic today however happens to be none of those people. It rests solely with a young woman named Star. I was told that Star's parents were former Hippies, though I never spoke with her enough to know if that was true. In fact, she didn't seem to work very often. But one night she did, and assumed her usual spot at the front working the register. The men were always put in the back, and the women usually at the front. All that I can say is that Star seemed like a nice enough girl, but she apparently had a reputation for living up to the "out there" stereotype associated with her name. She was never mocked in her presence or anything. No one treated her badly, or I would have felt very uncomfortable. She just had a rep.
The system operated in such a way that normal orders were treated like an assembly line - you made a dozen "regs", with a certain number cheesed. These were regular hamburgers and cheeseburgers. In the evening, things tended to slow way down, but for some reason we tended to get more "grill" orders, ones that had specials requests - no pickle, extra onion, that sort of thing. Grills would print out of a small printer, and the person who was going to make the grill would rip off the paper and take it with them. I think they would even give the slip back with the order.
This evening that Star was working, we had several grill orders come through in a row. We made them hurriedly, and then when we were done waited looking out into the lobby, chatting. Star came up to the window repeatedly peering back at us. Her face had a hunted look. She started drumming her fingers on the side of the heat lamp bay. She glanced back several times behind her to the line of customers. Beads of sweat began multiplying all over her forehead. Finally she could hold back no longer, and she wailed in exasperation "Where is my grill? I've been waiting forever!"
At that we were startled and began looking around frantically. After what seemed like minutes but was probably several seconds, we asked her what it was so that we could make it, since we couldn't find the slip. Her reply was stellar, no pun intended. "It was a cheeseburger no cheese."
I'll let you think about that one for a second.
As she was telling this in palpable frustration because we were taking so long to get her a relatively simple grill, she was leaning over and practically crushing the hamburgers that we under the heat lamp. While they weren't technically a special grill, I don't know what a cheeseburger no cheese is other than a hamburger.
That sort of cemented the legend of Star at the restaurant.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Quotes from Groucho Marx
I'm a big fan of Groucho Marx. Here are some of my favorite quotes of his:
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Word Fun Volume 1
Spice up your conversation by changing the way that you speak! Amaze your friends! With just a few simple changes, you too can be considered eccentric!
Volume 1
Try using words that you are used to hearing as negatives instead as positives. For example:
Instead of calling someone "uncouth", tell someone that you think is cool that they are very couth. Act very chalant (instead of nonchalant.) Other ones to try:
jointed instead of disjointed
plussed instead of nonplussed
concerted instead of disconcerted
mayed instead of dismayed
wieldy instead of unwieldy
There are plenty more than just these. Try using them in sentences:
I was very mayed to hear that my parents were coming for a visit. That knife is very wieldy and easy to use. I didn't do well in the interview, as I felt very chalant.
Do you have any suggestions?
Volume 1
Try using words that you are used to hearing as negatives instead as positives. For example:
Instead of calling someone "uncouth", tell someone that you think is cool that they are very couth. Act very chalant (instead of nonchalant.) Other ones to try:
jointed instead of disjointed
plussed instead of nonplussed
concerted instead of disconcerted
mayed instead of dismayed
wieldy instead of unwieldy
There are plenty more than just these. Try using them in sentences:
I was very mayed to hear that my parents were coming for a visit. That knife is very wieldy and easy to use. I didn't do well in the interview, as I felt very chalant.
Do you have any suggestions?
Friday, January 11, 2008
2008 Predictions - Part 2
Here is my continuation from yesterday of my top ten predictions for 2008:
6. Someone wil win the Presidential election. The other side will blame them for the recession, the Pearl Harbor bombing of 1941, the high price of oil, teenage pregnancy, and the fire at the Great Library of Alexandria in ancient Egypt.
7. Ryan Seacrest will still be famous, despite not being an actor, singer, musician, writer, model, comedian, magician, doctor, politician, or anything else noteworthy.
8. The battle between Bluray and HD DVD will be over, with Bluray winning and HD DVD going the way of Beta in their battle with VHS.
9. Most people will still urinate, despite increasing pressure from environmentalists to stop it because it hurts the ground.
10. In a surprising move, Pauly Shore is appointed head of the FDA by the new Presidential administration. He replaces the food pyramid with what he calls the "Food Octagon" and moves Spam into a centerpiece of the new diet. Shares of Hormel soar.
6. Someone wil win the Presidential election. The other side will blame them for the recession, the Pearl Harbor bombing of 1941, the high price of oil, teenage pregnancy, and the fire at the Great Library of Alexandria in ancient Egypt.
7. Ryan Seacrest will still be famous, despite not being an actor, singer, musician, writer, model, comedian, magician, doctor, politician, or anything else noteworthy.
8. The battle between Bluray and HD DVD will be over, with Bluray winning and HD DVD going the way of Beta in their battle with VHS.
9. Most people will still urinate, despite increasing pressure from environmentalists to stop it because it hurts the ground.
10. In a surprising move, Pauly Shore is appointed head of the FDA by the new Presidential administration. He replaces the food pyramid with what he calls the "Food Octagon" and moves Spam into a centerpiece of the new diet. Shares of Hormel soar.
2008 Predictions - Part 1
I've seen a lot of predictions for the new year out there, so I thought I'd make my first post my own version. We can check at year end and see how close I came:
1. There will still be a surprising lack of psychics who won the lottery.
2. Farmland and agriculture will continue to experience a boom in the US and abroad. Urban sprawl, woldwide population increases, greater meat consumption in China and India, higher demand for ethanol - all may make prices rise for produce and farmland. Notice I didn't say anything about residential real estate...
3. Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears will become nuns, only to realize their mistake later: They thought they were becoming "Pips" and backing Gladys Knight to jumpstart their singing careers. This after trying to join the Temptations...
4. Tatas Motors in India begins selling their $2,500 car. An enterprising John Deere makes a few quick cosmetic changes and markets their cheapest riding lawn motor as direct competition. In a surprising move, Consumer Reports ranks it ahead of the Tatas Car and half of Ford's lineup of cars and trucks.
5. Due to the high price of gasoline, McDonalds has to step of security (and prices) due to increasing theft of used deep frying oil for heating and cars. The smell of french fries pervades the air even more than usual.
Stay tuned tomorrow for Part 2...
1. There will still be a surprising lack of psychics who won the lottery.
2. Farmland and agriculture will continue to experience a boom in the US and abroad. Urban sprawl, woldwide population increases, greater meat consumption in China and India, higher demand for ethanol - all may make prices rise for produce and farmland. Notice I didn't say anything about residential real estate...
3. Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears will become nuns, only to realize their mistake later: They thought they were becoming "Pips" and backing Gladys Knight to jumpstart their singing careers. This after trying to join the Temptations...
4. Tatas Motors in India begins selling their $2,500 car. An enterprising John Deere makes a few quick cosmetic changes and markets their cheapest riding lawn motor as direct competition. In a surprising move, Consumer Reports ranks it ahead of the Tatas Car and half of Ford's lineup of cars and trucks.
5. Due to the high price of gasoline, McDonalds has to step of security (and prices) due to increasing theft of used deep frying oil for heating and cars. The smell of french fries pervades the air even more than usual.
Stay tuned tomorrow for Part 2...
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